As I write this I am in a Hostel, in Fort William, tea in hand, cross legged on the sofa with Fleetwood Mac in the background quietly serenading my ears. Looking out to the breathtaking views from the living room, I can see the sky unleashing it’s fury of rain onto the Scottish hills with no hesitation to cease. I guess I am trying to embrace a lazy Scottish afternoon.
However, today I am feeling rather melancholy. It is not even necessarily that I am yearning for the past, I just find myself worrying about what will be and wanting to stay in these moment forever.
I catch myself grieving over things that haven’t been lost. I catch myself missing the love that isn’t even absent in my life. I catch myself wanting to be with the people who haven’t even walked away from me.
Things will never stay exactly how you want them and believe me, I know that. It’s just I’m the type of person who feels so strongly, loves so deeply, and invests so much into the people that I am with, that a loss cuts me hard. Then unconsciously, I pour salt into my open wounds by re-visiting and silently crying out for those times again.
Stevie Nicks seems to convey loss and love beautifully with her lyrics, especially in the song ‘Landslide’.
You can’t prevent changes. You will go through changes which are unpleasant and will certainly test your relationships, your attitude and your future. You have to learn not to fight the emotions that flood your mind, but accept them, and let them flow in and out of your consciousness. Acceptance is key to moving forward.
However, when strong, ingrained emotions come into play, it is hard to be so clear cut and clinical towards it. I wish love didn’t hurt so much but it can. Distance, time and place can all play a part in whether a relationship works and these things cannot be helped at times. It is no one’s fault, it is just the way life pans out. Acknowledging this can be a bitter pill to swallow. You imagine your future with someone only to have to completely erase everything you hoped for. But how can you stop loving someone? How can you just push aside everything you feel for someone? If you are still struggling to grasp what I’m talking about, listen to Adele’s ’21’ album and you’ll understand. That poor beggars felt heartbreak to no end!
I am an open book when it comes to my emotions. I’m not afraid to say how I feel and I guess this makes me quite vulnerable but that’s just me! This is one of the reasons I love writing this blog. I am able to get all of my thoughts into a coherant manner where they make sense to me and hopefully others can relate too.
I just wish I had certainty, then I probably wouldn’t fret at the future and yearn for the past. However, nothing is ever certain so you just have to take things as they come and in the mean time, appreciate what you have going on now. I am going to savour the love I am privileged to experience now and overcome the future obstacles as and when they arise. It’s just hard to ignore the inevitable sometimes and just be completely present.